


A Life Worth Living

by Jemabean



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Admiral's closure, C7 Mentioned, Chakotay needs a hug as much as Janeway, Endgame fix it, Hurt/Comfort, Kathryn Janeway Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:01:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24328456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jemabean/pseuds/Jemabean
Summary: On the Admiral's last night on Voyager she receives two unexpected guests, asking the same question.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 34
Kudos: 77
Collections: Kathryn Janeway Needs A Hug





	A Life Worth Living

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is another Endshame Fix it fic, but I couldn't think of a better time when Kathryn Janeway needed a hug! My contribution to the Hugfest and my first solo fic!! Thank you chakochick for the Beta and your support! And to all the lovely Ladies at the corner, you guys ARE THE BEST!!!

She was lost in her own thoughts as she stared out at the familiar stars of the delta quadrant. Admiral Janeway chuckled at the irony of the situation she found herself in. For 23 years, her primary focus was to get out of the delta quadrant and get her crew safely home. Now, she found herself back, yet she had never felt more at home. The door chimed; she barely uttered “Come in” when Chakotay briskly entered her quarters and within seconds, she found herself face to face with her disheveled former first officer. He grabbed both her arms and said “I need to know Kathryn.” She barely heard him; she was lost in his large brown eyes filled with uncertainty and trepidation. “Kathryn, I need to know what happened to us,” Chakotay repeated as his eyes studied her face. The Admiral felt the electricity course through her body as the warmth of his touch and the familiar scent of sandalwood and cinnamon invaded her senses. 

She shook her head to avoid getting caught up in his presence and managed to say, “What are you talking about Chakotay? What do you mean, us?” 

Chakotay looked deeply into her eyes and said, “Kathryn, I know you better than anyone else. I can see the sadness in your eyes when you look at me. I know you’re hiding something,” he leaned closer and whispered “I can feel it. Something happened between us that you’re not telling me.”

“I can’t tell you,” she responded as she pulled away from his grasp. 

“Temporal prime directive be damned Kathryn! I need to know what happened to us,” Chakotay all but yelled out. 

“Why is this so important to you? Aren’t you happy with Seven?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. 

Chakotay looked down, unable to look her in the eye at the mention of Seven’s name. He took an audible sigh and when his brown eyes met her steel blues, Chakotay felt a deep sense of guilt and regret. “Please Kathryn,” he begged, “What happened to us?” 

“What makes you think there was an us Chakotay?” she responded. Chakotay’s heart sank, he tugged on his ear and rubbed his face, a meager attempt to hide his emotions. Her answer confirmed his worst fear. His budding romance with Seven severed his close relationship with Kathryn. His heart was heavy, an unbearable whirlwind of emotions hit him. He was becoming fond of Seven, something he never thought was possible, but if he was being honest, he liked the attention. Seven was a beautiful woman and watching her explore her humanity was fascinating to him. As he spent more time with her he was surprised by how much she’d evolved. He was intrigued and had planned on exploring where this relationship could lead… until Admiral Janeway beamed on board. Seeing the Admiral startled him, but it was more than that, seeing the vision of an older Kathryn reminded him of the years he’d envisioned himself growing old with her. How could he have forgotten that? His shoulders slumped and he looked down on the floor and shook his head, _No, no I couldn’t have been that stupid….Could I? _He thought. He could feel the Admiral staring at him intently; he knew that she could see the internal battle happening inside of him.__

____

__

Finally, Chakotay breathed out a sigh of defeat and raised his head to look at her, “I made the wrong choice didn’t I?” Chakotay’s question pierced right through her heart and was intensified by the pain and regret she saw in his eyes. 

She had to blink away tears and of its own volition, her hand moved to his chest and she whispered “We both did.” 

Chakotay grabbed hold of her hand on his chest, gathering strength from her touch. Kathyrn had always grounded him, her mere presence gave him peace. “How?” he asked, “How did things get so screwed up between us Kathryn?” 

The Admiral pulled her hand from his grasp and she turned to gaze back out the viewport. “You have no right, Chakotay. You have no right coming in here and demanding answers about us,” she said sternly as she felt anger brewing inside of her. The pain she endured with her Chakotay came flooding back. She clenched and unclenched her fists as she attempted to regain control over her emotions. 

“Kathryn,” Chakotay whispered as he reached out for her arm. The Admiral moved her arm away from his reach and took a few steps to put some distance between them. The raw emotions and his proximity were too much to bear at the moment. 

Her chest was heaving, it was becoming harder to breathe and her body started trembling as she felt years of pent up anger boil inside of her. It took all of her strength to keep her voice even when she said, “You chose her over me Chakotay.” She turned to look at him and with accusation in her eyes she said, “You married her and you asked me to officiate the wedding!” Chakotay’s heart stopped and his knee buckled. He reached out and held on to the bulkhead to save himself from falling. 

He was hyperventilating now. He was barely able to breathe out his next words, “So you came back to stop my relationship with Seven?” 

“I came back to save my younger self from having to endure the same pain. Take her home so she doesn’t have to be alone and be eaten alive by misery and regret,” she responded. She took a step closer to him, reveling in the strength that unloading this burden had given her, wishing now she'd said these things to her Chakotay all those years ago. She raised her hand to gently caress his cheek and with pity in her eyes she continued, “ And most importantly, to not watch you regret your decision and tear yourself apart for making the worst mistake of your life!” 

His jaw dropped as her words cut through him like a knife. He knew what she was saying was true. He had felt this unshakable feeling of shame and regret since the Admiral arrived. But before he could answer, the door chimed. “We both know who that is. Quick! The bedroom!” the Admiral said. 

The door barely shut behind Chakotay when the Captain, dressed in her grey undershirt and uniform pants, briskly walked towards her. The Admiral felt a sense of deja vu as within seconds, the Captain stood next to her. “I need to know. I need to know what happened to Us,” she demanded. The Admiral didn’t have to ask, she knew exactly which us she was referring to. She sighed out an audible breath, to stop herself from laughing out loud; this was so ridiculous, she could cry. How could she had been so blind to not see just how in sync their younger selves were with their actions.  
“Make yourself some coffee and a tea for me. If we’re going to have this conversation I need your undivided attention” the Admiral said. She sat down on the couch and waited for the Captain to come back. The Captain returned and handed her her tea and sat next to her on the couch. The women turned their bodies toward each other and prepared themselves for an important discussion. The women took a sip of their beverage as they sized each other up, waiting for the other to speak. Finally, the Admiral placed her tea on the coffee table and looked the Captain in the eye and said, “You know what happened Kathryn. You pushed him away! You practically shoved him into her arms! For seven years he loved you and stood by you, yet you were too stubborn to face your feelings for him.” 

“I had no choice!” the Captain interrupted. “I had a crew to get home!” 

The admiral stood up and braced herself on the back of the couch as she towered over her, “ Oh you had a choice! You always have a choice!” she emphasized. “You made the wrong decision and by the time you realized just how wrong you were, it was too late! I don’t think I need to say that his marriage to Seven was the straw that broke the camel’s back! It broke you,” tears started streaming down the Admiral’s face. She knew that she was saying those words to herself more than the Captain. She had to sit down, the emotions were getting harder to bear. She clasped her hands together and twirled her fingers. Her voice was breaking as she continued, “You think the guilt and despair you felt in the void was unbearable? Well, what I’ve been through makes that look like a vacation!” She turned to face Kathryn again, and looked at the mirror image of her younger self. She was finally able to give her younger self the advice she wished someone had given her. “Wake up Kathryn! No one blames you for being stuck in the delta quadrant but YOU! You’re so wrapped up in your self imposed guilt that you failed to see how much your crew loved you. How much He loved and needed you! No one but you blames you for anything!” The Captain looked down on the coffee mug she was nursing, white knuckles became visible as she tightly squeezed the mug, a miracle it didn’t shatter into pieces. 

With tears in her eyes she whispered, “Was he happy?” she looked up at the Admiral with pain in her eyes, and looked back down at her cup as she continued, “With her.... were they happy?” 

The Admiral cupped the Captain’s chin and forced her to meet her eyes, two pairs of steel blue eyes meeting, “Not as happy as he would’ve been with you.” The Captain gave the Admiral a questioning look. “Believe me Kathryn! Those were his dying words damn it!” She leaned back against the back of the couch, took in a deep breath and rubbed her forehead. The gravity of the emotion in the room and knowing that Chakotay was listening to their conversation were draining her energy. _I’m getting too old for this _, the Admiral thought. She breathed out a cleansing breath, needing this short respite as she continued,“Imagine being haunted by those words Kathryn. Knowing that things could’ve been better if only I made the right decision. If only I would’ve chosen to give in to love and allowed myself to be happy.”__

____

____

The admiral once again turned her body to face her younger self, rescued the coffee mug from her tight grip and set it on the coffee table. She took both her hands in hers and with a softer and gentler tone she said, “Listen to me Kathryn, the Caretaker may have robbed you of the life you would’ve had in the alpha quadrant. But it was YOU who robbed yourself of actually living. I came back to give you a chance to make the right decision this time. Please don’t blow it again. I’ve worked hard and sacrificed a lot to give you this second chance. This is not just about Chakotay, or saving Seven and Tuvok. I’m giving you an opportunity to choose to start living again, not for anyone else, but for yourself. Becoming a Starfleet Captain doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your life. The only way to be the best captain is to live your best life Kathryn. You’re no good to the crew or to Chakotay if you’re not living the best version of you! A wise warrior once said, _there’s a difference between surviving and living, _and up to this point you’re only surviving. There’s more to life than that Kathryn. You...deserve more than that!” The admiral squeezed their joined hands together, “My decision to come back at this exact moment is my way of living. It took me years, but I finally found a way. I will make the ultimate sacrifice so you don’t have to Kathryn. I want you to live...live the life we both deserve,” she said to her almost like a prayer.__

____

____

The women embraced, holding on to each other like a life line, a stream of tears came crashing down as their bodies started to shudder, releasing years of pent up pain, grief and guilt. Their shirts were soaked with tears when they finally pulled away. The Captain looked up and cupped the Admiral’s face with both hands and said “Thank you.” The women mirrored each other’s smile and love and gratitude filled both their hearts. 

The Admiral gave her a lopsided grin as she said, “Now go get some rest Kathryn, you have the rest of your life to live.” She smiled and nodded. The women gently stood up from the couch and walked arm in arm towards the door. The door swished open and the Captain turned around to give the Admiral another tender embrace and whispered in her ear, “I won’t let your sacrifice be in vain,” gave her a kiss on her cheek and said, “Good night admiral” and took her leave. 

The door to her quarters was barely shut when Chakotay came rushing out of her bedroom and captured her in a tight embrace. She stiffened as she was caught off guard by the gesture, but immediately her body relaxed as she wrapped her arm around Chakotay’s strong torso and his muscular arms encased her small frame. She rested her forehead in the crook of his neck and inhaled his familiar scent. Chakotay turned to bury his face in her hair and was soothed by the calming scent of lavender. Neither of them spoke, time stopped around them, nothing else mattered at that moment, they simply revelled in the intimacy and comfort of their embrace. 

Chakotay ran his hands along her back, enjoying the feeling of having Kathryn in his arms. He wanted to give her comfort. He wanted to lighten her burdens. He cursed at his future self for the suffering and pain he caused her. He swore to himself that he would never make the same mistake. The Admiral felt Chakotay’s tears run down her neck and heard the quiver in his voice as he said,“I’m sorry Kathryn. I’m so so sorry.”

“I know Chakotay, I’m sorry too,” she said as she turned to look at him. Their eyes locked and before they realized what was happening they were locked in a passionate kiss. Chakotay’s hand slid up to rest behind her neck to pull her closer. He wanted nothing more than to be consumed by her. He was lost in her familiar scent, the warmth of her body, the softness of her lips and the sweetness of her taste. 

He didn’t want this to end and held her closer to him when he felt her try to pull away. “Chakotay,” she pleaded in between kisses until Chakotay reluctantly allowed her to end the kiss. She gave him that crooked grin he loved so much. “Thank you Chakotay, I needed that, but we both know I’m not the one you need to be with right now,” the Admiral said as her fingers traced the lines of his tattoo and drew it down to cup his cheek with both hands. “Go Chakotay, go and get our girl. Show her the life you’ve always wanted to show me.” Chakotay gave her a full dimpled smile and took both her hands in his and gave each of them a tender kiss. 

“I made you a promise once Kathryn, that your needs will come first and I will lighten your burdens. I will make that promise to you and to my Kathryn again, and I promise not to let either one of you down. I’m sorry that your Chakotay wasn’t able to stand by that promise. But I can guarantee you this, he never stopped loving you. I am one hundred percent sure that there is no version of me in any time line or in any universe that doesn’t love Kathryn Janeway, no matter the circumstance. I will make up for your Chakotay’s mistake and I will give my Kathryn the life and happiness she truly deserves. Thank you for opening her heart.” The Admiral smiled and gave him a brief soft kiss. They held each other’s hand as Chakotay opened the door and stepped out. He gave her hand a quick squeeze and smiled, “Good night Admiral.” 

The admiral stood by the door and watched Chakotay walk away towards the life she had always wished for.

The End


End file.
